Thank You, Mom Jeans!

I'd  like to rip her hair out, but someday I'm going to have to thank Mom Jeans for the super sexy emails she sent Mr N. Without them, I would never have discovered all of the other women - the ones that are actual threats to my marriage.  So THANK YOU, Mom Jeans! Thank you, you middle-aged, cow-faced love goddess. If you hadn't gotten the crazy idea that my husband was in love with you and so brazenly pursued him, I'd never have found out about the other younger, prettier women that have an actual chance with him.  You piss me off, for sure, but I have to admit getting a big kick out you at times and you have been, without a doubt, entertaining.

And it was because of you, Mom Jeans and your daily calls and emails that I noticed that Mr. N's phone was either with him or hidden while being charged at all times. Because you called him so much and at all hours, I began to see the number of calls that he was taking privately, going into his office after looking at the number. And since I'd set up Mr.N's email account, I knew his password and decided I'd just take a look at what you two found so important to talk about every day.

I saw that you certainly did have a lot of problems that only my husband could help you with - that was a surprise. Problems with your kids, your husband, your job - everything. For you, my husband was the answer to your prayers - you told him so on more than one occasion -  as he thoughtfully guided you through your daily dramas.

And your emails to my husband about the sexy dreams you had about him and your incredible yoga flexibility were inspired (creepy, but inspired). I loved how you worked your bra, or your breasts, or how youthfully hip you (think you) are into every conversation. It made me feel a little sick, but I'm not a man. Mr. N was probably hot for it.

Remember, though, I know you think he was really into you, but he is an attention whore and becomes captivated with anyone who is captivated with him. You weren't the only woman who was telling him that she couldn't make a move without his sage advice and heroic help. It's a good strategy, I give you that, but again, others are doing it more effectively. Sorry, but you are just too old and weird looking.

You are pretty far down in the rankings of women that my husband will sleep with, Mom Jeans, but don't give up on your dreams!